“People are dying, we need guns” – PART TWO
It’s time to continue this mess
If you’ve just joined us (let’s pretend this is TV for awhile), i’m dissecting Alien vs Predator: Requiem. The horrible sequel to the less horrible movie Alien vs Predator.
The first film was made by fans under the influence of executives, the second one was made simply to make money. At least that’s what i’m guessing, i’d probably get disputed by other moviegoers, but not that many i recon.
The post became so long that scrolling through it would be a pain, so i’ve decided to split it up in two parts. Check above for the link to part one.
Where were we? Things were starting to get a bit messy in small town colorado.
Sheriff and big brother crim goes to investigate a gas explosion. And is it that clever to bring along an ex con who has been drinking to a possible crime scene or accident?
But until we get there, Mr predator tries to stop the aliens who are still roaming about. But he’s really bad.
Seriously, he shoots at the alien from about half a kilometer away and is surprised when he starts causing a meltdown crisis at the site. Again, not a very subtle predator.
A worker is killed by an alien, and the predator scares the shit out of another one who happens to find his mate dead.
And now we head off to the indoor pool. God i dont want to.
They both go in, and Jess starts taking off her clothes. WAY TOO SLOWLY.
Time to rant.
Fine, she has to take her clothes off to have a swim, but could they possibly objectify her any more? Let’s take a moment and count body screen time.
There’s about 6 seconds on her ass, and it’s completely ridiculous.
Also, she says “I couldn’t decide which suit i wanted to wear… so…” and then she just bends over for awhile and stops talking. She’s not even wearing a suit, thats a normal bra. I dont get this at all.
I’m aware that the demographic for this movie is teenage boys and young adult males, but come on. I guess i shouldn’t be surprised though. But objectifying women like this pisses on both the predator and the alien franchises, they shouldn’t even be uttered in the same sentence.
So anyways… she seduces him with a little wit (not) and they start kissing.
For about two seconds until they get interrupted.
And here we go *AGAIN*
I could sort of understand it the first time, but they even have to zoom in on her rushing to put her clothes back on. I mean what the actual fuck?
Now i realize that this might backfire, someone reading this blogg going “OH GOOD HE POSTED THE ASS SHOTS”. That’s not really what i was getting at.
It was simply to show how much ridiculous shots were made just to make the second female supporting cast member a sex object instead of a person.
But it was ridiculous, and i couldn’t let it slide.
I think the 4 seconds of ass shot where she is trying to put her clothes back on are actually the worst, because we’re not even setting up a “sexy moment” any more, it’s just a girl trying to put her clothes back on because her horrible ex boyfriend is about to assault her crush. And THAT moment is when you want us to look at her ass?
The ex boyfriend/misogynist person and his friends are here, for no apparent reason whatsoever. And they decide to take a bath. Without Jess.
And we are back to more jumping. He jumps into so many scenes it’s starting to get ridiculous.
Mr predator gets jumped, by a clearly visible alien warrior. Knocked down to an elevator that penetrates his leg, and what does he do to handle the pain?
He shoots more plasma without proper aim, causing a total black out on the entire city.
Back to swimming team where in the middle of the blackout, an alien jumps into the pool with them. So the muppets stop their fighting for a sec to swim away from that thing that just hit the water.
Long story short, the ex boyfriends sidekicks gets killed off before they manage to escape.
Ricky, Jess and mr abusive escape the school area with the pool, and we are off to mr Sheriff and big brother crim who are on their way to the scene where the black out started.
Or at least thats what happens in the movie, i’ve no idea what’s going on in these screenshots above.
Daughter O’brien and the night vision goggles time!
Jump cut to an alien eating one of the bodies from the swimming pool area, using the incredibly ugly faked inner jaw. It looks so plastered on that it’s sad.
The alien gets interrupted during dinner by the predator.
Now let’s think about this for a second.
The predator travels from the power plant where he JUST got impaled in the leg, to the school where the pool was, in a matter of minutes. He should have been limping, or at least in need to heal his wounds. All just to cover up one alien and one body.
Again, why bother covering up the body? you’ve left TWO corpses yourself already!
And i have to point out, once again, he traveled from the power plant to the school in a matter of minutes with a torn up leg.
Oh and, how did the predator know to seek the school up? He needs his vision to see aliens and humans in the dark, but he has a predator-spidey-sense to find aliens from more than a kilometer away?
So Sherrff and big brother crim has investigated the pool house and brought the kids with them.
To the diner.. for disturbing stuff.
So um.. the pregnant lady at the diner got face-sucked by the predalien.. and that in turn creates 3-4 tiny ones in her womb? That kinda feels more like shock value than actual logic.
Mr predator is healing himself up in a tree, with a 20 feet long blood trail after him, meaning he must be badly hurt. Yet he still managed that trip to the pool.. just saying.
Kelly and her daughter are still running from the alien attack earlier, taking a pit stop at a cemetary.
Meanwhile, in the middle of a traffic jam.
And now that the Sheriff and the others realize that something strange is going on, and that a few people have died. It’s time for the title of this post.
They don’t even know what’s going on, sure they’ve heard that people have died etc. But to believe that there are creatures to kill with guns, just yet, is a little weird. I mean in real life, you’d doubt the situation a liiitle bit more until you see stuff yourself. I mean that’s my theory at least.
But the way the line is delivered, and the situation where it happens is probably why it’s so incredibly stupid.
Either way, they decide that.. well.. people *are* dying, we do need guns. So they break into a weapon store.
The sheriff uses an ex con to break into a gun store. Just putting that out there.
Sheriff has a portable comm-radio-system-thingy and contacts the national guard who just arrived.
Something really weird about this is that at the moment, the only reason for the army guys to be there is based on the fact that the power plant got shut down, and three people have been reported missing, the other deaths were reported after the national guard had started to roll in.
So either the national guard REALLY don’t have anything better to do, or they’re a bit sloppy on how and when to take action and on what grounds.
And how shitty are they not to spot what’s attacking them in the next scenes? they aren’t checking all fronts nor using night vision and motion tracking properly.
So that’s all of them, gone within a minute. It’s just not plausible that all of those guns didn’t do shit.
Two drugged up store clerks show up out of nowhere.
A few seconds afterwards, the surviving O’brien mother and daughter happen to end up at the store too.
Let’s see how the rest of the town is doing!
In the next scene, the predalien sneaks into the hospital. And have you guys seen how bulky that thing is? he basically smashed his way through concrete to reach the street level, how on earth (no pun intended) did it manage to sneak into the hospital when it’s this busy still? People havent begun to evacuate yet, but here it is, sneaking around.
We don’t see anything happening to the babies, but i guess it’s implied that the predalien eats them. Which is really fucking gruesome i must say.
The pregnant lady that was just committed is up for a bad delivery.
So the predalien has the ability to impregnate a female human who is herself pregnant. I can’t really figure out what
I have to say, the embryos sliding down her throat kinda looks like those pics where guys photoshop their muscles bigger.
It should be gross, but it’s just not working for me.
To the gun store with our gang!
Big brother crim then leaves the conversation and gets taken away by an invisible predator.
Kelly and her daughter hear the sounds and go to investigate where he dissapeared, find his shotgun on the floor and him hanging from his feet in the ceeling.
How’s that even possible?
1. how did he take him away, and tie him up wihin 5 seconds without even being noticed? That’d make a bunch of noise.
2. WHY would he hang him there?
An Alien later comes into the store to attack them, and the predator uses the opportunity to kill the alien. But did he have to hang him up in the ceeling as bait? surely the alien would have entered and attacked them anyway? Mind boggling.
What trap? i dont get it. It’s one of those lines that seem to be written in simply because.. well, that’s what people usually say in movies with uh.. danger?
The gang make their escape, except for mr bully who attempts to leave them all with the keys to the police car. He get’s attacked by an alien and the predator shoots it, making acid spew all over mr bully.
Cut to hospital where the lone doctor is about to have a shitty day on the job.
The gang exit the shop and find the army completely devastated.
The last things in those screenshots that the Sheriff and Kelly say are actually from the movie, and it’s meant to be ominous and dramatic as fuck. But it just falls flat. They’re basically saying “My theory is the same thing as yours, but uh… opposite!”
Right after this amazing dramatic exchange of lines, a convoy shows up to give the people in the tank a choice.
Mr sheriff and the screaming lady decide to join the rest of the townspeople to go to the center of town, to hopefully get evacuated.
The gang going to the hospital have gotten backup in form of the pizza boss.
They head inside the hospital that’s seemingly abandoned.
Aaand Mr predator jumps into a scene yet again, i think that number 5 might be the last one though.
So basically the crew is walking through a stairwell at this time, but it’s actually impossible to see anything so you’ll just have to guess what’s going on. I’ll promise to notify you when someone gets killed off.
So to sum up, the people walk up the stairs, the pizza guy gets attacked and the gang shoot down his killer alien.
What does Jess do? she starts panicking, screaming all over the place and actually RUNS ahead of the rest. As in, she runs away from the people with guns, straight into the fucking nest where there are no guns but instead a couple of drooling children.
They follow her into the building, but she’s way ahead of them.
Down here is a few scenes that we’re supposed to be excited about, but it’s poorly filmed and the acting is weird.
The problem here is that right now, a predator is battling aliens. But the scenes that have guys in suits, REALLY really look like.. well scenes with guys in suits. The aliens are clumsy and the predator is even clumsier. The earlier movies with guys in suits all made less “full front” shots of the aliens, instead placing them on walls, crawling and in shorts shots. Here they are exposed, thrown around and just look like dolls.
Either way, two aliens are crawling on two sides of the wall. The predator uses his dual spinning shurikens to kill them both off.
The blades keep spinning after they’ve killed the aliens however…
Jess who wanted to just get away from everything, runs straight into a shuriken. And little brother criminal ricky goes ballistic.
It’s kinda funny though, he just looks at the predator who threw the blades and lets out a really stupid scream, then start walking towards him with gunfire.
His brother and the rest of the gang manage to catch up with ricky and calm him down. And all of a sudden, the predalien seem to have gotten great camouflage.
That’s another scene in this movie where an alien is like.. right next to the person he attacks in “surprise”, it’s just cheap.
Ricky might actually the only person to survive a tail attack by a xenomorph, or any attack for that matter.
To Gilliam circle where the rest of the town is hanging out in peace.
The hospital gang finally makes it to the roof!
And right here we see the characters path to the helicopter, but somehow that would just have been too easy.
You can clearly see the way to the helicopter, through those fenced walls. But as soon as an alien shows up, they decide to cut through the fence and make a detour instead. For no reason whatsoever. I dont get it at all.
Big brother crim runs around, taunting the aliens while using the shoulder cannon that the predator dropped. How he uses it as a weapon, and why the predators don’t have “ONLY OUR RACE CAN USE IT” safety mechanisms on their weapons, i dont know.
Suddenly, the weapon stops functioning for a few seconds.
He shoots and alien that is leaning over him, and the acid flies up in the air instead of onto him, which really isn’t very logical or believable.
And the predator shows up one last time to take care of the aliens while big brother crim escapes.
That whip the predator uses in the scene, and like.. one other scene before this, is incredibly bad ass. The whip is forged from a xenomorph tail, it sure looks like it anyways, making it razor sharp and incredibly durable and sustainable to acid. Sadly, the predator gets knocked away by the predalien right after he uses the whip, so that’s that.
It’s probably the only original cool thing in this movie that i definitely like and should be kept canonical.
Meanwhile, Kelly fires on a xenomorph that’s relaxing on the windshield of the helicopter, which is an amazing idea.
The hull and engine of the helicopter miraculously survives without a scratch even though an alien got shot right over it, but whatever. They finally make their escape and leave the other extraterrestrials to battle.
And the fight is incredibly dull and straight forward, did i mention guys in suits?
It ends with the predator slitting out the predalien inner jaw and putting his wrist blades through it’s skull, and the predalien retaliates by thrusting it’s tail into the predator, effectively settling that match.
The battle ends for real when the army nuke the town, and i wonder when the sheriff finally realized that he had been fooled.
It’s kinda tragic, but it’s hard to care about these people. And i’m not a cold hearted blogger!
The helicopter crashes in the nearby mountains, everyone are unscathed (at least from the crash).
And that’s the end of the movie, sort of…
Cut to a military grey sad horrible building, where the colonel (who ordered the nuke) is moving a briefcase over to a woman in an office.
When i first saw this, i was like “oh woah, now we know where ‘Yutani’ originates from in the Weyland Yutani brand!”.
But now as i’ve had time to analyze it, i realize how incredibly stupid the ending is. The lines uttered up there are pretty much the way they are delivered in the movie. “The world isn’t ready for this technology”, “But this isn’t for our world, is it miss yutani?”
It just doesn’t make any sense!
What does that even mean? Of course it wasn’t for our world, it came from an alien. There’s a lot of potential in dealing with Yutani and how she came into business with Weyland industries.
That is, if we’re actually accepting AvP:R as canon, i doubt we are.
Because if we accept the outbreak that happened in colorado as real, then people would have known about the aliens, people had the ability to send text messages with photos back in 2004 (that’s when both movies occur).
Lex from the first movie, and the survivors and military personnel would have kept records of the aliens for others to read throughout history. In 2120 where the first Alien movie takes place, Weyland Yutani sends the crew of the Nostromo to acquire an alien from the planet LV-426, but by then the crew *should* already know of the incident that occurred in antarctica and colorado, 100 years earlier.
As one of the board members say in Aliens: “you found something never recorded in over 300 surveyed worlds”. Meaning that extraterrestrial lifeform wasn’t something that people ran into on a daily basis even in 2179. If the events from 2004 really happened, people would have known.
So enough of that, the movie is over, i can let this go now.
It’s hard to talk about this movie as an actual alien or predator movie, because it just feels really out of place.
One thing that struck me as i watched this thing again, is how no one reacts when they see the predator for the first time. It’s like “oh we’ve all seen this alien that looks like a cock, only less pleasant, this new alien with plasma guns doesn’t even phase us anymore after this.
It’s like no one even bothers to stop and think as to why two incredibly different species have landed on earth, one being even more humanoid and human like than the other.
It’s all pretty much said through Kellys line: “It’s a trap!” when they first see the predator killing an alien, they’ve no idea what the hell they are talking about or who they are looking at, but it sure is a trap! or..uh.. something.
The thing i’ve come to realize is that the movie is a generic B-scifi movie, it’s quality and writing is that of a “straight to DVD” movie, but with the exception of the titular creatures.
In my opinion, those creatures represent the A-game of movie monsters, they’re mean and they’re dangerous. They shouldn’t be in this mess of a movie, and that’s why it’s hard to see this as an official alien or predator product.
I had a similar feeling watching the first AvP, but because the monsters got enough screentime and a lot of the subjects were handled respectfully, it was easier to accept it as part of the series.
So i guess that’s all i have to say about AvP:R, i’m actually really glad i’m done with it and i hope you had a laugh or at least a smile.
If you agree with some of my points, or disagree, let me know in the comments!
See you soon.