“People are dying, we need guns” or Alien vs Predator: Requiem for intellectual property – PART ONE
Script vs Actors
Drooling Dreadlocks vs Dreadlocks: Direct to DvD (DD vs D:D)
That thing in parenthesis the potential movie abbreviation, not a bunch of smileys.
Dumb vs Dumber
Just a few alternative title’s i’ve been throwing out there in case they want to release a special edition box and would like a different marketing approach closer to the truth.
So it’s time to do Alien vs Predator: Requiem, a movie i’ve been dreading to do a rundown of simply because its the worst use of the Alien and Predator intellectual properties. I pretty much knew the sequel would suck, mainly because the first one wasn’t all that amazing. But i had no idea what kind of an insult this thing would be.
The movie wasn’t directed by Paul W.S Anderson who made the last one but by Colin and Greg Strause who prior to AvP:R only made music videos and commercials. Now, i’m aware that a lot of people blame directors for the outcome of a movie, and in many ways they are responsible for a lot that’s going on. But in this case i’d like to mention Shane Salerno who wrote the entire script.
And not one person stopped to revise the trainwreck.
You already know the movie is terrible, and there are many flaws to look at but i would the say biggest pain is the horrible writing and characters.
I actually had to look Shane up on IMDB to check what he had done, and i have to admit i’m kinda dissapointed. He co-wrote Armageddon, which i actually really like. Sure its corny and predictable as hell, but it’s still enjoyable if you set your mind to B-movie mode.
So, say what you want about Paul W.S Anderson, he wrote his movie himself and i think he actually wrote it as a fan. It didn’t work all the way but i still feel both the Aliens and the Predators were respected.
That’s not really the case here.
Now, i actually havent seen AvP:R in a very long time and i haven’t ever stopped to analyse what’s going on, so this should be painful and interesting. I’ve also decided to put the posts up in two, because they will be really long and really annoying to scroll through if it’s all in gone go.
Let’s get this freakshow on the road.
It all started where we last saw them…
I hope you’ve read my rundown of the original AvP, because the ending of that post pretty much sets up where we are now, but i’m going to sum up:
- Aliens and Predators fight each other in a pyramid below Antarctica .
- Predator and Human destroy pyramid and all the aliens.
- Predator dies from wounds and gets picked up by fellow Predators to be taken home for possible native funeral rites.
- Alien chestburster comes out of the predator, revealing the Predator and Alien hybrid.
Now, this bit at the end was only written in by Anderson as a way to make it a tie between the Aliens and the Predators, since the title of the movie is… well, Alien vs Predator. I assume it was supposed to be seen as some sort of intergalactic drooling and snarling competition.
The Predalien wasn’t written in to set up a sequel. But here we are none the less.
Basically the movie starts right where the first one ends, on the ship with the Predator lying on a table as the chestburster is about to erupt from him.
…And right away we notice a clear difference in the lighting budget, here are two comparison shots from the same scene.
Alright fine, i might be exaggerating.
Here’s the real one:
It might not seem that bad, but you can see details on the armour and skin of the predator in the first movie, you cant even see the dreadlocks in the sequel.
And this is just a taste of what the rest of the movie will look like.
One thing i find hilarious is that they couldnt even look through some stills of the original scene to align the FUCKING PLANET to the ship correctly. It looks ominously scary directly in front of the window in the first one and here we are veering towards the right.
And while we’re at it we may as well change the table he’s lying on, because fuck continuity.
Actually i’m being too harsh, it’s not the same movie and it’s just one scene really, it doesn’t matter that much.
Nope, fuck continuity, this burster doesn’t have the inner jaw.
Supposedly the removal of the inner jaw was plot related, and we’ll probably get there soon enough. But seriously, you can barely see the second one.
Oh and i should note that i’m watching the “unrated” cut, apperantly there were a couple of gruesome scenes that were removed. Although some scenes are just cut because they drag on or something.
This next scene coming up was cut in half.
The scene is still in the original cut but its just like 2 seconds and since you can’t see what the flying fuck is going on, it’s not really possible to know that the predalien is supposed to shed skin.
I changed the gamma on VLC to try and make something out and enhance the video, and it actually works a little bit.
Thing is though, the enhanced gamma version was not what i got to see in the cinemas, and the light scenes all look weird when it’s enhanced so i’m going to leave it the way the filmmakers intended it to. Because if it’s me fixing it, then its certainly not with thanks to the production company.
It’s like if i were to watch Jurassic Park and actually say the weird lines i wrote for the screenshots i made on my own walkthrough of it, it’s not really supposed to be my work.
So back to darkness it is.
And i apologize in advance for all the “oh my god, i cant see shit” things i’ll say, because sometimes it’s just not avoidable not to cringe over it.
On with the show.
A smaller ship is detaching itself from the larger predator ship and i actually cant figure out why.
I assume the Predalien and the other predators are on this tiny ship because the next scenes are aboard it. But why is it going in another direction than the mothership?
On the ship we see a bunch of containers with Facehuggers, some alive, some dead. And the last scene that backs out through a room full of containers looks so bad that it could be CGI from a videogame.
There is a reason for the best facehuggers in the series all being animatronics, it just looks way more real. And it’s the credibility of the facehuggers behaviour and look that makes them scary.
Apperantly most of the interior of the ship is CGI because it was more cost efficient to make it all computer generated instead of building an actual set. That i can kind of get on board with since it’s just a few scenes and they’re just to start the plot.
So we have this one predator working at a trophy station, cleaning Alien heads for wall mounting, and he gets a visit from the Predalien fairy which we see in the reflection of a panel.
A Predator hears the roar of his friend and comes to the rescue.
Actually he just shoots a hole in the hull of the ship with his plasma gun because he doesn’t realize that the aiming is botched against the new hybrid.
So the Predalien escapes the hunters and the ship comes tumbling down towards the earth again. Now, i’m no astronomer or physicist (no shet), but isn’t the ship way too far up into space to be “tumbling down”? If a ship malfunctions that far out, doesn’t it float off? Meh, i don’t know.
One thing i find quite weird, all this happened because the body of the predator who had been injected with a parasite was left alone unattended. If only there had been a few predators near the corpse as the Predalien errupted all of this could have been avoided.
Oh for crying out loud.
Yeah that’s from the first movie, but seriously, come on.
And don’t they have some sort of security measure if they’re going to carry around all those Aliens that they have in containers? Acid proof walls and floors, acid proof doors to keep them inside. And you know, instructions on how to deal with a specimen that has gone loose WITHOUT SHOOTING PLASMA EVERYWHERE.
It just goes against predator logic, they arent that stupid.
Meanwhile on earth, a father and his son are out hunting. I suppose it’s some sort of american bonding experience that i couldn’t for the life of me understand. They don’t get to shoot any game, but they get to watch a meteor tumble down.
They observe the ship by the crash-site and we get to see a bunch of facehuggers escape their containment, scurrying out through the ship. A mortally wounded predator notices this too and activates a distress signal to the predator homeworld. Probably something like “CLEAN THIS FUCKING MESS!”
A bunch of facehuggers chase the the father and son through the forest, and the scene happening now was one i always dreamt of as a kid, but it’s not how i hoped it would be.
When i was little i used to imagine there being Aliens in the real world, what it would feel like to have them stalk you in the Swedish forests. (I’m swedish, otherwise that would make no sense).
But somehow the feeling just isn’t there, you know there are facehuggers hiding in the bushes but there’s just zero fright there.
The father gets jumped by a hugger, and he manages to shoot it with his rifle, from the hip. Now *that* is good aiming and reflexes.
But it doesn’t help him because the acid in these facehuggers are apparently extremely strong, melting his arm off with just two drops.
Dad get’s hugged while he ponders his missing arm, and the son gets it too not long afterwards.
I’ve rewatched this scene a couple of time’s now, and i cant figure out what they’ve done with the facehugger for the only none-cgi shot of them since the movie begins. It looks absolutely terrible, and sort of like it isn’t even on his face? Looks like a halloween mask that’s come loose.
Either way, cut to the predator homeworld. Or perhaps just another world where predators hang out. And someone is watching a monitor.
Or he’s not watching Teletubbies, he’s observing that a ship has crashed with xenomorphs and predator technology down to earth and someone needs to stop it. We’re supposed to figure out that it’s a seasoned predator veteran going down to take care of things. He packs his bag full of predator goodies and heads off.
And even though i wasn’t a fan of this intro…
Shit is about to hit the fan.
That’s right, it’s time for the human plots.
The worst part of the previous movie was the human characters, they were so terrible, always saying things to ruin the rest of the film. But this is bad, really bad. I’m not even going to explain the relationships, i’m just going to give them speech bubbles to mildly explain the plot.
That killed off 2 and a half minutes of footage in just a few simple screenshots. I’m so happy i have that kinda power.
Little brother doesn’t want to deliver the pizza, we are about to find out why very soon. And you wont care one bit, neither do i.
Cut to a scene in the nearby mountains, a lone cop is investigating an abandoned sewer.
One thing i kinda find strange.
This is a very small city in Colorado, and the officers actually know the homeless people by their first names… how are they still homeless? Or is the welfare and community so crappy that they cant all pitch in to help them out?
That said, i know nothing of small american towns or anything of their homeless people. So i’mma just leave that there.
Sadly, we have to cut to lil brother crim and his pizza delivery quest.
The pizza costs 53 dollars… isn’t that like shitloads for 4 pizzas? I’m really getting sidetracked.
Either way, the blonde lady pays for the pizza and apologizes for her boyfriend who is a jerk, but she see’s him for the great hairdo.
Little brother criminal Ricky goes back to his car, or tries to.
Meanwhile in the woods, the sheriff is nervous because he got a call about a missing arm. So naturally he drives to the woods in search of clues.
I dont get it either.
Seriously, that CGI is freaking horrendous.
The scene where the chestburster errupts from the boy was taken out of the theatrical release because it was too much, but i think it should have been taken out because it looked so bad.
It kinda looks like the puppet they used in JAWS.
Kelly has returned from the army to her family that hasn’t seen her in months, and i guess you can just add your own “ermahgerd i cant connect with my daughter whom i don’t see very often” plotline.
Meanwhile, Ricky climbs through his own window at his house, for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Such a lovely bonding experience.
Now it is sadly time for more whining on my part.
That’s right, it’s time to play “TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON”
A facehugger jumps into the sewer. Although we cant be sure it’s the sewer until the next scene.
A couple of facehuggers jump up from the water and attacks the two homeless men. Though it happens too fast and too murky to get it in a screenshot properly.
Homeless Susan Sarandon now enters, looking for her buddies. But ends up getting killed by the predalien.
It’s impossible to follow those events because it’s so dark and weird, but basically here it is.
Now our predator joins in on the earth action.
Mr predator locates the crashed predator ship, pays respects to his fallen comrade, steal his hat to look through his final moments.
He sees the predalien through the recorded footage of the dead predator and cant match it’s DNA to the Aliens and get’s frustrated.
He sets of the self destruction mechanism on the predators wrist and jumps away. But not before loading himself with more weapons and a blue-ish substance.
More family drama at Kelly’s house summarization: Daughter wont listen to mommy, mommy gets sad because she’s been away too long. But that’s not fun to do speech bubbles about.
The Brothers Crim are out hunting keys in the sewers. And/or pretending to be the mario brothers.
So they seriously take another manhole to climb down to instead of going to the place where they actually threw the keys?
“I dont want Jess to see me covered in shit”.
She saw her amazing boyfriend brutally assault him, and take away his belongings and throw them in the sewer, if she’s any good she’ll probably, *probably* let a little shit slide through her fingers.
Not literally, i hope.
Brothers Crim begin seeing weird stuff in the sewers such as rats who look like bloody snakes, and something that could either be food or skin.
What’s funny is, the brothers hear this massive roar in the sewers, and say “Let’s get out of here” and run off. But none of this is mentioned ever again, they don’t talk to the sheriff about it, nor do they speak about it amongst themselves.
Back to Sherrrff and the missing son and child. Drama incoming.
There’s a search party for Buddy and his son, and the Predator is out covering up the outbreak by making the corpses and the facehuggers dissolve.
As the search party is about to call it a night, a lone cope gets a little lost.
The cop searching for the missing people gets a radio call from behind his tree, and the Predator finds radio signals offensive. And one of the only few cool frames of footage occurs.
The way the predator goes from cleaning mode to “Run, it’ll make things more fun”- slaughter is kinda awesome.
I was going to complain that the predator attacks an unarmed man, which is against predator code, but he is hear to clean up a mess and to avoid the widespread knowledge of both the Yautja and the Xenomorph race. Probably hide the fact that they have been secretly using humans for ages for breeding.
Cop dies, morning comes.
So now we find out another person is missing, and a cop at that. Didn’t they like figure out that they were missing personnel when they called off the search?
I doubt he would ride alone in his cop car to the search site if a lot of people were interested in helping out. “Yeah my driver isn’t here yet… so i’mma just stay here.. freezing”.
And what about the radio? it said “All units report back…” then he shut it off because the predator saw him. Wouldn’t they notice that he never answered?
Anyway, now they are out looking for him too.
This just doesn’t make sense at all. The predator wants all of this to be a secret, cleaning up the predator ship, facehuggers and the human bodies.
WHY CREATE NEW ONES?
Sure, you have to remove a human body that has their insides torn up from within, that cant lay there for the public to see.
It’s way less suspicious to SKIN THEM and HANG THEM feet first in a tree.
Blows my mind.
The predator cleans up some more in the sewers, but thats no fun so…
Smash cut to the outside where little brother crim is flashing jess inside a car.
Why do they ALWAYS do that in american movies?
“So i’ll see you at around 8?”
“Maybe have dinner at Leo’s tonight? See ya there”
Back to darkness it is, Mr predator is setting up traps.
This is just when things go wrong, and it feels so weird. And wrong. Did i say wrong?
It’s a 2 and a half minute scene of fights in the sewer that really cant be made justice in stills, but i’ll try to explain what the hell is going on.
Predator sets up traps and jumps into a pool, roaring to get all the aliens to come out. He shoots some, and kicks some around.
Then as he’s about to dual smash two aliens at once, one in each hand. The predalien shows up out of *nowhere* which is not possible since it’s huge and cant hide for shet.
A wall gets broken in, and the aliens escape, with the predator in pursuit.
Apparently the predalien kicks the predator as he is shooting his plasma gun, crashing the walls. The aliens then make their escape.. although i dont think it’s considered escape since the vents were all open in the first place.
One thing i dont figure out is… the aliens are escaping in the middle of the city, but the scene happens where the policeman first met the hobo harry.
You can even see a predator mini map of the place, and that sewer was in the mountains.
Also, it’s gone dark in just 30 minutes or something, but that’s irrelevant.
Either way, the Aliens and the predalien jumps up into the street, and it just feels wrong.
Both the predalien and the predator uses the lesser subtle approach to entering the town by smashing their way up through the concrete.
The predator uses a special button on his wrist to do it, but the predalien just jumps through the concrete… if he’s that strong it’s kinda impossible to even go near it as a predator.
To the diner!
Now honestly, i don’t know exactly why this feels all wrong. It could be the fact that all my life i’ve seen the Aliens in a space environment, and that now seeing them in our real world it just doesn’t work? Or it could be how it was done.
I just think “small town america” just isn’t the right setting for an alien invasion.
I’m trying to compare it to The Lost World, where we see a T-rex roaming in California. Those scenes are still awesome somehow, even though it’s completely out of place there too.
Ah well, there’ll be time for speculation later.
It’s been awhile since we visited the O’brien household (The military mom).
To the bar!