No.1 Maleficent

Now shall you deal with me…

And all the powers of hell!

Maleficent, the wicked fairy, is without the shadow of a doubt the most evil Disney villain ever conceived. She holds a special place in my heart not just because of the dark design and her evil theme music, but because compared to other Disney villains, she does not have an inch of sillyness to her.

All evil, All the time.

And that it something that struck me much later, that she is seriously never portrayed in a light tone, and i think that does a lot for her dark charisma.

In my native Swedish, she was simply known as “the evil fairy” which i suppose makes sense because Maleficent would not be pronounced very well in the Swedish dub, but how awesome is the name Maleficent anyway? The Heavy Metal bands must have been fighting tooth and nail to copyright that.

As far as the origin of the story of Sleeping Beauty, it is based on a fairytale by Charles Perreault (no idea who he is) and the Grimm brothers version of it.

But as with most Disney movies based off of old fairy tales, alot was changed, including the inclusion of Maleficent who is an extremely evil form of “the evil godmother” that was included in some version.

And strangely enough, the movie is based more off of Tchaikovsky’s ballet of the same name, even the music were taken from it.

Not much is known about Maleficent other than the fact that she is the counterpart to the good fairies that live in the kingdom where “Sleeping Beauty” takes places and do you want to know the reason why she is more evil than Scar?

She decides to doom a newborn with a sure death because she wasn’t invited to the christening.

What the fuck would she do if you simply called her fat?

Scar may have killed his brother, blamed it on his nephew and tried to kill him too, but at least he had a motive of power and jealousy.

Maleficent wanted to kill someone she didn’t know because she didn’t get invited to a party, what if the invitation had gotten lost in the medieval mail?

“Woops, sorreh, cant reverse it… ah yeah… i see the letter here, thank you… um… meh whatever, make a new baby, i hear its fun”

“We still on for volleyball this weekend?”

Lets look at her characteristics for a moment. She wears 90% black, the rest purple, yellow eyes with tiny black pupils and she has a crown with the Devils horns. One can only wonder if they are actually attached to her head or if its a hat. Either way, they really wanted to make her closely resembling a demon or a satanic figure.

Need more proof of that? the quote up top, her pet raven named Diablo and… look at the above picture, she holds her hand in the “Left Hand Path” stance, clearly a satanist.

Its probably the closest to satanic imagery that Disney has *ever* gone before or since then, its quite fascinating.

Oh and she uses green fire magic.

I have to say, her method for dooming the princess Aurora is rather weak. To let her grow up til 16, then have her prick her finger on a spindel (nej inte den sorten) of a spinning wheel?

Cant she just put a DoT (Damage over time) on her thats specifically tailored for 16 years? It’s odd.

The king obviously does the only drastic thing he can do, and orders all spinning wheels to be burnt, since no one could ever ever make a new one.

Couldnt she have gone: “Before the sun sets on her sixteenth birthday… she will… eat dinner….and CHOKE ON A CHICKEN DRUMSTICK!”

Obviously thats less dramatic, but what the hell?

The fairies come up with a plan to hide Aurora for 16 years in a cottage in the woods, and they’ll be humans and not use any magic since that’ll attract Maleficent.

I see the point, but isn’t she just as safe in the castle? if she has guards 24/7, how the hell could Maleficent sneak a spinning wheel inside the walls?

This, is the Forbidden Mountains, where Maleficent has her castle. And how awesome is this place? Its a place even Dracula would be jealous of.

But this scene also sadly leads to her only fault as a villain.

16 years have passed since her spell, and Maleficent walks around anxiously in her castle, pissed off that her henchmen (pigs, crocodiles and ugly vultures in chain mail) haven’t seen a trace of Aurora.

And then they tell her that they’ve looked everywhere, every cradle. Meaning Maleficent wasn’t specific enough to tell her idiot workers that human babies actually grow out of cribs and cradles, essentially wasting 16 years of searching.

That’s my biggest problem with her, she seriously took this long to check up on her henchmen’s work? and she couldn’t have picked better people to work for her?

She eventually sends her pet raven Diablo to find her, which she should have done a long time ago.

And what a perfect timing, because while Diablo is out on his scouting run, the fairies have gone absolutely haywire preparing for Auroras 16th birthday, firing colour spells at eachother that eventually fly out through the chimney causing Diablo to spot the fairy magic.

Diablo overhears the conversation about Aurora being a princess and flies back to report what he’s heard.

Later that night, the fairies bring Aurora back to the castle for the first time since she was a newborn, they take her to a small room where she is crowned and then left alone to process what she has learned about herself.

Big.

Fucking.

Mistake.

This scene, is among the scariest of scenes ever produced by Disney, and it sends chills down my spine even to this day.

It’s as close to horror as you can get in an animated kid friendly feature film.

I would dissect this scene and discuss the many weird things in it, but i actually wont ruin this.

Aurora pricks her finger and falls into a sleep that’ll last for 100 years, and the fairies subsequently put everyone ELSE in the kingdom, to sleep for 100 years. Whats the logic of that? they’ll never friggin wake up!

A short while later, Maleficent also captures the prince (every story needs a hero eh?) and imprisons him in the castle.

The fairies enter the castle and free’s him while Maleficent is asleep, but Diablo intercepts them and wakes Maleficent just before he is turned to stone by one of the good fairies (isn’t that technically black magic? Oo)

Maleficent, in all her rage, creates a gigantic wall of thorns to stop prince Philip from entering the castle. But he uses his sword to cut through it, so she clearly didn’t think through that one.

But that was just the warmup, Maleficent descends from her tower and in a green inferno, she transforms into a dragon.

Here is also where i noticed something really strange, the shield that prince Philip wields might be the strongest shield in the world (Diablo 3 producers, pay attention)

Maleficent attacks Philip and misses, and hits the bridge. The bridge is turned to ASHES. The shield stops that exact same flame.

In the end though, Maleficent traps the prince and he throws his sword at her, and that’s that. Really lame if you ask me, which you didn’t.

For the time (1959), the animation of the dragon was among the biggest projects that Disney had ever tackled, and i recon they did a great job.

Maleficent has lived on ever since her wimpy death, in TV-series and videogames where she usually plays the main villain. And why is that?

Because she is frigging evil.

In the video game series Kingdom Hearts, she was the villain controlling all the other villains (not even going to mention the gay boyband muppet). I’ve yet to play it sadly, but i have to one day, if only just for her sake.

I thought i’d upload a picture…

Drinking coffee is always nice when you can do it while placing your lips… no wait, nevermind.

I love Maleficent, she is my number one villain because she is basically Black Metal in Disney format. Everything about her design is absolutely flawless, from her horns to her dress and her epic green fire magic that surrounds her entrance and exits.

Rumor has it that people are in the works of creating a live action Maleficent movie, and that Angelina Jolie was closely associated with the role. Honestly, its not a very bad pick when it comes to potential actresses.

I just hope they do the original justice.

Now, we are finally done with this Disney stuff, and i’ll never have to mention animation in this blog ever again!

Well that’s probably far from the truth, but one could always hope.

And to top it off, here is another wonderful drawing.

Honestly, sometimes my artwork actually brings *me* to tears.

Tags: Angelina Jolie, Animation., Disney, Hades, Maleficent, Random, Scar, Snow White, Sorceress, The Little Mermaid, Ursula, Villain, Witch

Dont look, or you might find.

”Find what?” you might ask

“Rubber ducks”, i might say

“What the fuck is your task?”

“To make a pillow out of clay”

You’re only as nuts as your last bag of peas, but how will you know when its time to start walking around with a bag of vegetables? I believe the answer is somewhere within all of us, and the only way to find it, is to stop searching.

I’d put my safety goggles on by now if i were you, but i’m not so you cant see my Australian chimney.

I think chimneys should be much much bigger than they currently are designed to be, like imagine having a small café inside where you can invite all the mermaids for a quick cup of dupp? That’d be awesome.

(Dupp may not be a hot beverage, but since it rhymes, it should be invented)

Speaking of awesome, the other day i walked into someones backyard and started playing with their gardening tools. And then all of sudden the owner of the house, a tall handsome man with cheekbones the size of brazil, came out yelling at me.

“What in the name of FUCK are you doing in my backyard?”

“Hey! i was hoping you’d notice me, I’ve been wanting to tell you that these tools are dangerous for your children”

“I dont have any children!”

“I know, NEITHER DO YOU!”

And then i ran off with his toaster. Imagine the look on his car when that happened.

Doesnt this look like a the mouth of a clown revolver? Like, imagine a revolver shooting clowns and clown faces? I made it a few years ago, because i was bored and i really wanted to shoot a clown with a clown made from clowns.

Is the Joker from Batman a clown?

If yes, doesn’t that make Penguin an airplane?

Yeah i know, that makes absolutely no sense but neither do airplanes, they fly without flapping their wings, talk about cheating.

And is the opposite of an airplane, a groundplane? Is that a subway or a stranded albatross?

So many questions, so little time, and not enough skittles. sfotscbots hotsmotos thsotsts mouc.

I love how my browser auto-spelling only underlined “mouc” and didn’t like how i spelled that, but the other words were okay.

Where was i?

No, wait, who was i?

I believe we all were someone else before we became someone even more else. Strong words from a strong mustard.

Could you watch my bell pepper while i tie my shoes? thanks that’d be great mate.

Did you know that fruits and vegetables originally came from Fruitania and the kingdom formerly known as Veggie- Table? It’s similar to IKEA, you put together your own cucumber and hope it doesn’t collapse before Jeopardy starts.

Cut your hair and grow a hat

Eat the dog and poop a cat

Find your neck and trash a house

A better cake than Mickey Mouse

Tags: airplane, batman, chimney, clowns, poetry, Random, random tags of doom, the joker, toaster

No 2. Scar /Lion King Dissection

SCAR

(face)

Scar, the most *evil* lion ever seen on screen. Because the competition among evil lions is fierce, seeing as every single one of them that gets screen time actually kills something.

I mean i’m not saying lions in general are evil because they kill, although we’ll get to that logic later on.

Scar was designed very well in my opinion, they either made the other lions *extremely* way too friendly looking to make Scar not blend in, or they made him extremely vicious looking that automatically made the others look like stuffed animals.

I mean look at those eyes, and that mane… can lions HAVE black manes?

And i did some research: the darker the mane, the more attractive are the male lions to the females… so uh, whats Scars problem? he could steal the throne through sheer sex appeal if he wished!

Although i suppose that wouldn’t make a very kid friendly movie.

I’ve noticed that my posts about the villains have become more and more like movie interpretations instead, and because Scar doesn’t have too much screen time as a villain, this post wont shy away from the fact that it doesn’t have enough villain meat on it.

It always begins with a song

Always, but this time its in African (yes im generalizing because i have no friggin clue which particular language) and we see a massive herd of every animal thats ever lived in or near a savanna .

Turns out, this guy Noah is building this airship and he’s come to africa to… wait yeah no, supposedly some lion has been born and that must be celebrated by all.

And somewhere in this crowd of animals traveling to the party, a group of brave ones stopped to think…

(Try to read this in a thick cockney accent)

Giraffe 1: “Why are we going to see this little newborn lion? he’ll be eating us in a year!”

Giraffe 2: “I dunno mate, i read the script and i didn’t get it either”

Giraffe 3: “I CAN STICK ME HEAD UP ME ARSE!”

Giraffe 1: “Oh hell yes, screw the ceremony lets all do that!”

Basically, what confuses me is the fact that every animal in the kingdom is celebrating the lions as royalty, and they all speak to each other and use the same language.

But tell me, how does the eating work? i mean how do all those animals feel kneeling to these people who one day may eat them? Perhaps its some form of sign up system amongst the gazelles, impalas and the zebras as to who has to become royal food?

It just confuses me.

Or perhaps its all just one giganormous ass kissing contest and the wildebeest who loses becomes food. I shouldn’t delve in this too much.

And the kingdom has a mandrill (a primate similar to a baboon, not an explicit description of… uh… yeah) named Rafiki who works as some form of christener? (if that’s the adjective) Apparently his job is to show off all the newborns to the kingdom by smearing them in fruit gunk and throwing sand on them.

I’d love to see a Lion King re-release where Rafiki takes the baby lion, walks up to the cliff and just throws him off going “hah, bet you didnt expect that ;D” *THE END*

We first see Scar directly after the ceremonial intro, and he’s being emo and bitter about not being able to take the throne because of Simba being born. Basically he’s telling Mufasa, straight up in his face, that he wish to be king meaning both Mufasa and Simba has to die. Is that not enough reason to get rid of someone? He’s obviously bad news.

Scar claims to have the lion brains of the two brothers but lacks the brute strength, and its true, he is way skinnier. But when it comes to being evil, we all know skinny prevails over thickness.

After that, some random “Mufasa teaches Simba” crap scenes, which we dont want to discuss whatsoever. But it eventually leads to a news report from the moles that Hyenas are in Pride Land (Thats straight pride land, despite the contradicting name).

And Simba decides to shove his pending royalty right in the face of Scar, who doesn’t appreciate it very much. But uncle Scar takes this opportunity to throw in some reverse psychology (really shitty one i might add) and tells Simba that he cant go to the place outside of the Pride Lands because its covered in darkness, and that only the brave lions go to the elephant cemetary.

I dont understand how the sun cant reach more than a few kilometers, is this version of Africa just a tiny tiny planet a la Super Mario Galaxy?

Scar “manages” to get through to Simba that he cant ever go there, and ends the conversation with “and remember, its our little secret”.

Because every time a dodgy uncle has said that to a nephew or niece, its always been in good context.

Full of great family advice, Simba runs off with Nala (his future wifetard) to the graveyard right away and DAMN these were some big ass elephants.

These big ass elephants have some hyena infestation going on, because apparently the lands beyond the sunlight are full of hyenas. And i know they’re supposed to eat cadavers and whatnot, but all of these animals have been dead for way too long.

The three main hyenas end up chasing the lion cubs and Zazu through the graveyard because they learn that one of them happens to be the prince of the pride lands, but because Mufasa is telepathic, he knows exactly where all of the lions are at any given time and shows up to beat up the attackers.

All the while Scar was watching from a pillar that was about 6 feet up? couldnt they have spotted him?

And somewhere in the dark lands, there is a cavern with green lava and fire, which is very well decorated if i may say so. This is where the hyenas lick their wounds and plots with Scar.

“Man that lousy Mufasa, i wont be able to sit for a week”

Again, amazing context there.

Scar tells his minions of the plan to kill Mufasa and Simba in one go, and like many other villains, bursts out into an evil song. But what strikes me in this scene is not the gay manner in which Scar moves about (which is an odd observation seeing as how the swedish voice actor for Scar was gay), but the Nazi like portrayal of the big hyena parade.

Its impossible not to draw Third Reich parallels to this scene.

Another thing i’ve noticed about the song scenes in Disney movies is that everything that happens in them is very questionable when placed in the plot, because like the scene where Simba sings about being king… so much unrealistic stuff happen, i mean just look at the gigantic animal layered merry-go-round that they create. And this scene where Scar sings, so many pillars moving about, so many hyenas walking around from nowhere.

Are they supposed to be dreams or is this *really* happening?

How did they get up there?

Right after that scene, we get to see their plan kick into action. Scar tells Simba to sit and wait in this gigantic gorge/gulch/valley thingy where a big surprise by Mufasa will be brought to him. Simba is a very naive lion cub.

Up top is a giant herd of wildebeest that the hyenas are just waiting to sink their teeth into, and the facial expression on Whoopi Goldbergs hyena is absolutely priceless when she says “Let’s go”

Why Zazu let Scar wander off alone with Simba after everything he’s heard, or why ANYONE let them wander off seeing how badly it went last time is beyond belief.

To sum up, Simba gets in trouble again, getting caught in between the wildebeests and Mufasa jumps in to rescue him, by running in the wrong direction twice, and teleporting once (i kid you not, he teleports and yet he still cant get out of there).

He makes a mega leap towards the cliff where Scar sits, and gets thrown into the herd when Scar slams his claws into his paws.

Its a fairly horrible scene really, and this is the reason why Scar is number 2 on my list. Because killing family in a quest for power isnt seen very often.

And to further make us irritated, he blames Simba for his fathers death and convinces him to run away instead of witnessing his mothers “shame” and sorrow. And by “run away” he means “here, have a 3 second head start before the hyenas jump in”.

Why couldnt he just kill Simba on the spot? Sure, he’d have different wounds than Mufasa did, but i doubt the lionesses are crime scene investigators, and if they arent going to be suspicious when Scar returns home alone with hyenas… uh… yeah whats stopping anyone?

Either way, they once again fail, and Simba runs off into the sunset leaving behind a wall of thorns and the hyenas… waaaaait.

Sunset? There is SUN on these parts of the land aswell? The continuity is mind boggling.

Oh and back home at Pride Rock, Scar tell the lionesses the bad news and says that he reluctantly takes the throne as King. But that the tragedy shall give birth to a new order where hyenas and lions live together. And Pride Rock is glowing with green at this point, did they seriously move the green lava over there?

And there are 9 lionesses, and about 40 hyenas, couldn’t they just run in take over during a simple lunch break without all that fuss?

And soon, the longest song ever written, spanning atleast a YEAR. Since Simba actually becomes fully grown before “Hakuna Matata” is actually finished. Although there is some repetition.

We get to see Scar as King of Pride Land, and ofcourse its not shiny anymore so we can obviously tell that weather has to do with gene pools in the lion family of the heir to the throne.

Then some random stuff where Rafiki finds out that Simba is alived based on… uh… sand in the wind, Nala meeting up with Simba in the jungle yadayadayada. Lions in love Yadayadayada.

Although something worth mentioning here is the very daring “Can you feel the love tonight” scene, is this what a horny lioness looks like?

They roll down a hill, she “kisses” him on the cheek and leans back and does THAT face. Like… could that be more suggestive?

Then loads of unimportant things happen that have nothing to do with Scar, who this post was supposed to be about to begin with, other than Nala telling Simba about the nature being destroyed (however he and the hyenas managed to do that).

Simba gets beaten over the head and decides to return home, confront Scar and take his place as king, all because of a bold creature with a red arse.

Sadly, the ending is just very anti climatic when it comes to Scars role, all he does is back into a corner and tries to blame everything on Simba.

And of course, lightning has to strike and a fire has to start around Pride Rock.

Because, everything gets better with a little fire.

Althoughduring the last fight i’d love to see Jeremy Irons (Scar) face when he recorded “ofcourse… your majesty!” and almost growls out the words, he must have looked like a raisin.

And honestly, Scar and Simba look like “My Little Ponies” when they stand on their back legs and prance around.

He gets kicked off of Pride Rock onto the ground where the hyenas are pissed off about being betrayed by Scar and he subsequently gets mauled. A fitting end i must say.

Halfway into this post, i realized that, while Scar is a great villain, there weren’t too many interesting things to point out which in turn affected the quality of this text. But meh, its cheating to repick a villain.

Scar was great because he murdered family to get to the top, even going so far as enjoying Simbas suffering and guilt. Now thats great villainy (that a verb or an adjective?).

And somewhere in the savanna…

Giraffe 1: “Where did we all go when Scar and the hyenas took over? did we swap kingdoms?”

Giraffe 2: “I dont know, are there more kingdoms?

Giraffe 1: “Dont ask me, none of us were in the rest of the movie until things went back to normal!”

Giraffe 3: *hpmpmpmmmhphhpmpm*

Giraffe 1: “Mate, get out for air before you get brown lungs”

And as before…

Amazing, simply amazing. Looks like that she-man-moron from Tokio Hotel, but with a tan.

Tags: Animation., Aristocats, Cruella De Vil, Disney, Grimhilde, Hades, Jafar, Jeremy Irons, Madame Medusa, Maleficent, Movies, Mufasa, Nala, Queen, Rafiki, Random, Scar, Simba, Snow White, Sorceress, The Lion King, The Little Mermaid, Ursula, Villain

WATAIN – Black Metal Magic.

Behold the black cloud of corpselike birds
Their wings are on fire
And their song has turned backwards…

Photo by www.extremmetal.se

A band that goes a little further.

I always consider that good metal shows should award you with a feeling similar to the ones you get before a really exciting movie at the cinema, the adrenaline you get from watching a really good shootout in an action movie for example.

Now take Hostel, Saw, Lord of the Rings, Alien and The Omen, throw in some rotten pigs blood and burning tridents into the mix and you’ve got a Watain show.

And that’s a shallow description.

I’m going to write about the concert i went to on the 4th of November and possibly link some videos that others have uploaded onto youtube just to give you a glimpse of what it was like in there.

And if you cant be bothered to read anything about the band or the concert, i suggest you read the “Final Words” at the end atleast.

But first some random band info.

Spawned in 1998

Watain originated in the town of Uppsala, north of stockholm. A big university city, but also home to many obscure underground bands such as Ghost and Repugnant (Rumored to be pretty much the same band, but whatever).

They were mostly an underground act, sporting loads of homemade inverted crosses and dead animals on stage since day one, but obviously cranked it up for every year that they have been in existence.

They remained fairly unknown until 2007 when they released the monumental “Sworn to the Dark” that showed that combining furious drums, riffs and satanic lyrics with beautiful melodies doesn’t make you any less evil. It is one of my favorite Black Metal albums of all time, and every time i listen to it i realize how many different flavors the album has.

I urge those of you who are sceptical about the melodic bit i just mentioned, to listen to this bit at the end of The Serpents Chalice.

5:07

Random Facts

Watain is a satanic black metal band, meaning that the members and most people associated with the band are Satanists. This fuels their music and their stage shows, and whether you believe yourself or not doesn’t quite matter. Some people go to the shows because they also believe, others like myself go because its an amazing band and its great entertainment.

They build all of their stage props (metal tridents, inverted crosses, pillars for the sheeps heads) in their rehearsal space, and they putrefy their pigs blood in coca cola bottles there aswell.

February 2006, in a small town in Sweden called Linköping. The band had prepared two massive home made blood cannons to fire at the end of the show, but something went wrong and the cannons short circuited and fired all over the crowd, 10 minutes before the band even took the stage. The smell was so extreme that half the crowd left, and there was a chain reaction of vomiting.

In January 2011, the band won a Swedish Grammy award for “Best Hard Rock”, a first for a Black Metal band. Their acceptance speech started out with “So far this year we’ve had floods in Australia, Earthquakes in south america, birds raining from the sky… and now we win a grammy”. (They also hit each other with the flowers they received and got thrown out because they got free alcohol)

During a gig in Chile 2010, frontman and singer Erik Danielsson, collapsed out of exhaustion after extensive touring and simply left the stage. Apparently he was advised to call the gig off, but refused. Luckily, one of the guitarists stepped up and sung the rest of the set. Fairly impressive way to deal with an unforeseen complication.

Their performance at Sweden Rock Festival 2010 saw the band put on a humble side, because the latter half of their set was a tribute to (in my and many peoples opinion) the creator of Black Metal as we know it, the band Bathory.

In 2008, on their 10 year anniversary show in their hometown of Uppsala, a fire alarm went off at the end of their set because of the cauldrons. A very anticlimactic ending for the anniversary show that had people leaving the venue very dissapointed. The band were ready to take the stage again once the alarm had been fixed, but when the alarm went off a second time, they decided to drop the show completely.

WATAIN’s 13th year anniversary show, Stockholm 4th of November.

photo by www.extremmetal.se

For the first time in my history as a concert goer, i had to see a show alone. None of my friends wanted to go, and i couldnt trick my grandma. (She’s certainly learned since i made her see Gorgoroth with me, alright im lying through my bonded teeth).

I asked my dear mum if i could put a bucket of pigs blood in her backyard over the summer and have it ferment so i could test out the smell of a Watain show before hand, but she just looked at me funny and told me to listen to something else. My life is such a tragedy, i know.

This was also the first show where i was actually looking forward to the opening acts! And that just doesn’t happen for me very often.

MALIGN

First out was MALIGN (pronounced malain, or malayn), an old underground Black Metal band from Stockholm (the suburb of Spånga where i grew up to be precise). It was their first live show in over 10 years as far as im aware, and i’ll admit i hadn’t looked them up before hand. Now i definitely wish i had because they were really great.

Pounding riffs and great atmosphere.

photo by www.extremmetal.se

I’ll admit i thought the masks looked really stupid, they didn’t need any of that. Highpoints of their gig were “Ashes and Bloodstench” and “Sinful Fleshspear”.

The Devil’s Blood

The second opening act were “The Devil’s Blood” from the Netherlands, and AMAZING band that plays 70′s psychedelic rock… uh… drenched in blood. If i didn’t tell you, you’d have no idea these guys were extreme satanists.

Just listen to this.

photo by www.extremmetal.se

I was a little dissapointed with their setlist, i wish they had played more songs from “The Time of No Time Evermore”, but they only played the one above: “Christ or Cocain”

They played some new tracks off of the new album though which hasn’t been released yet, so that was exciting and i’ll be sure to check that out once it lands on the 11th of November.

I would also have loved to hear the EP title track “Come Reap”, but sadly that didn’t happen either. It was great to see them though, i hope they return soon for a headlining tour.

At 21.40, a big black curtain was put up over the stage directly after The Devil’s Blood had finished. Its amazing how a simple curtain can turn a crowd excited.

Through the reflection from the glass ceiling, i could see torches, cauldrons, skulls and sheep heads, a grim preview of what was to come. I talked to a few guys behind me, and we discussed which songs we thought Watain would play that they hadn’t played (they promised that a few tracks never performed live before would appear on the setlist.)

Soon enough, a smell creeped into the venue that i could only describe as dirt mixed with sugar… mixed with… dry yeast? Thats what rotten blood smells like in smaller doses, apparently its much much more potent in smaller venues and bigger ammounts (see the Linköping story).

But in a way, the smell was… cozy? yeah i know, im insane, but thats what it was like.

Then around 22.00, the curtain is pulled down to the sound of a roaring crowd and a discrete hymn is playing in the background. The air is thick with smoke and tension as pretty much everybody in the crowd knows whats about to happen, and those who don’t are just as excited.

Suddenly a sharp bell makes it all quiet, for a mere second, enough for me to react to it. Then bang, an evil orchestrated tune pours of of the speakers, and a torch is entering the stage held by Erik Danielsson, with the rest of the band following him.

If you want to see what that was like, start looking at this clip from 2:23

During the intro, we can hear Erik’s voice say random ritual words, (that i still cant hear properly) letting us know what we are about to witness and hear.

Then bang, “Death’s Cold Dark” is kicked into overdrive. Its one of my least favorite songs on “Lawless Darkness” but none the less, it works as a killer way to kick off a gig. As per usual, right afterwards “Malfeitor” is played, and its elegant and flawless as always.

Before Malfeitor even has a chance to ring out, the mighty “Storm of the Antichrist” is unleashed and im very happy that they played that one off of Sworn to the Dark.

A track never before played live: “The Four Thrones” was very interesting to hear, although they put up a regular tomtom ontop of the stage for Erik to hit with bones… and it just felt.. really out of place, they added a necklace of bones to the tomtom as if to hide its regular like apperance. Very strange i must say.

Sadly, one of my favorites “The Devils Blood” was hard for me to enjoy because of the sound for some reason, it might just have been me, but i thought it was rather blurry.

Then, the always amazing “Reaping Death” smacks us all in the face, and the fire in the chorus just blew me away, it was so powerful and haunting. Really one of the highpoints.

I was hoping that they would play “Lawless Darkness” an instrumental track off of the album with the same name, and they actually did. It was a really unexpected move on their part, very beautiful and even more powerful than the recorded version.

“Total Funeral” was next, and honestly, i never liked that track. I don’t know why, it just doesn’t work for me. There are so many tracks i would have replaced it with if i could.

But then things pick up again, with the behemoth “Stellarvore”, is there a track with more atmosphere and shear terror than this one? I doubt it.

Check out 4:20

Explosive, no?

“On Horns Impaled” blazes through us just after Stellarvore ends, and its supposed to be the end of the first set, you know where the band walks off and then does an encore. (why plan an encore? how un-black metal is that anyway?)

The band comes back up and plays “A Fine Day To Die” by Bathory, a very well performed cover, Quorthon would have been proud. I would rather have heard The Somberlain, since i got into Dissection a year after they went away. But meh, you cant have it all.

I dont think Watain can end any show without “Waters of Ain” anymore, but no one would complain about that, except maybe the band themselves after they get tired of it. Its the ultimate Watain song, recorded and live version. It is without a doubt their masterpiece and all i can do is wonder how they are going to end their next album. Casus Luciferi, Stellarvore, Waters of Ain… i mean… how do you go from here?

It is a song about the afterlife, the journey to the beyond, the sweet liberation of death and its one of the most beautiful black metal songs ever made.

Do not mistake me for a star
Though I’ll shine like them at night
But behold instead the darkness in between them
The Devil’s light

photo by www.extremmetal.se

Final words

All in all, it was an amazing night with blood, fire and death. But most of all, art.

I know some of you may not see this as art, but look at directors, authors and painters who stretch boundaries, painting,writing books and creating movies that disturb some and fascinates some. This is the same thing, only religion is involved, and if you are like me and can look past that aspect, then its pure entertainment.

Hell,(no pun intended) if christian shows were anything close to this, i’d go see those too!

The truth is that we evolve as humans, and our cultural society has evolved. There was a time when Elvis and Louis Armstrong was among the worst things a teenager could listen to, as close to blasphemy as it got.

Metal music has always been about breaking boundaries and taking it to the edge, and with Black and Death metal, we finally reached that edge where not only mothers were upset by the music, other metalheads were too.

Extreme music is a way to feed and tame the beast we all have inside of us. We all get frustrated in life, we all have things that makes our guts churn with anger.

Black metal for me is a way to channel that into something creative and positive, instead of turning it against myself or others.

There is a sensation i can only get through listening to Black metal, that spine tingling frost bitten feeling of power that creeps through your body and manifests itself into your spirit. Some days i want that feeling, but in the opposite direction, and thats when i listen to Enya or perhaps Mumford & Sons.

The musicians in the genre have always been controversial: murders, church arson, destruction, jail, self mutilation,suicide and a lot of things that have overshadowed the actual music.

And while its true that i don’t think i’d want to be best friends with 90% of those guys (if you’re reading this Mayhem, im just kidding), the best art is made by the most disturbed and absolutely insane people.

A Black Metal show is about the contrasts in life, it represents the anti everything to what you prepare your mind for every time you get out of your comfortable little bed back at home.

And in that sense, if fills a purpose that not many other forms of entertainment can give you.

The freedom to forget why you are here.

Or to some, the chance to realize why.

Imagine a path through a forest: the path is lit up by street lights, but its surrounded on all sides by an empty darkness which we don’t know where it ends or where it begins.

The light defines the way, marks it out and limits it. We see what we have infront of us, and can plan our steps ahead of time, it makes us feel safe.

But we have no idea whats happening outside of the path.

The part that isn’t lit has no shape and only our imagination sets the limit for the shit that lurks out there, that which at any time can jump out onto the path and hurt us.

The darkness outside the path is unpredictable and threatening, but because it has no shape, the possibilities to explore and discover are endless.

Tags: Bathory, Black Metal, Blood Fire Death, Casus Luciferi, Death Metal, Dissection, Erik Danielsson, Extreme Metal, Ghost, Heavy Metal, Lawless Darkness, Malign, Münchenbryggeriet, Nifelheim, Repugnant, Rotten Blood, Satanism, Sworn to the Dark, The Devil's Blood, Watain

No 3. Jafar

Because he is the only villain man enough to look evil and crosseyed at once.

Oh Jafar, how awesome you are.

Curly black beard.

Always as feared.

But your bird is as smart as a jar.

No idea why the hell i wrote that.

I really love Jafar, and Iago (Not Yago as i always thought, but who the fuck has time to imitate a donkey while saying that name? EEEEAAAAGO) for their silly banter and their elaborate plans to take the Sultans place.

Jafar works as a Vizier to the Sultan of Agrabah, basically its a Sultans right hand man and adviser and can do whatever the hell he wants unless the Sultan says otherwise.

He got the job after showing up with pamphlets about masturbation to the interview when all he read was “right hand man needed” and rushed to the palace. Meh no, i lied.

His ultimate goal in the film is to take over the world, (Very original concept for a villain eh? has anyone ever just had the ambition to use their evil power to create the worlds biggest cheesecake?) starting with Agrabah and the Sultan position. And the movie starts with Jafar and Iago leading a poor thief into the desert to make him enter a gigantic tiger in search for a lamp.

Because that’s a logical way to start off a movie.

Basically, Jafar has this piece of jewelery, a golden scarab that acts as a key to a place hidden in the desert called “The Cave of Wonders” and because he is a pussy and doesnt want to enter the giant growling sand tiger head (can you blame him?), he sends this thief in promising him all the gold he wants aslong as Jafar gets the lamp.

The tiger chews the thief up and says that only a diamond in the rough can enter the cave.

Love his expressions. You know he is the origin of "Why the long face?" why the fuck is this in caps!? Im not shouting! atleast not on purpose!

Could you be more vague mr tiger face cave twat?

But thats no problem for our villain, he knows what to do!

The Sultan happens to be in need for advice about his daughter, Princess Jasmine, not wanting to marry any of the princes that show up at the palace (ofcourse she wont, the princes are absolute muppets). Jafar claims to know a way to help him find a husband for her, but he needs the Sultans big diamond ring to find the prince.

And for anyone thats keeping score, thats Jafar-1, Logic-0.

The sultan is a bit reluctant to give Jafar his precious blue diamond, so Jafar uses his amazing cobra-staff to hypnotize him. I must say that as a young boy, that staff was the one thing i wanted for christmas that year Aladdin was released in Sweden. I mean just *look* at it.

What i cant figure out is why Jafar cant use his staff to manipulate the Sultan even further, like say, give him the Sultan throne? (do they call it thrones?)

Either way, Jafar gets his blue diamond, walks off and into his secret stairway hidden behind an awesome fake wall. (I really want one of those in my mansion when i grow up).

They use the diamond in a huge ass contraption that Jafar has in his special tower that when struck by lightning (created through Iago’s running on a treadmill, dont ask) reveals who the “diamond in the rough” is, and it happens to show Aladdin as he is escorting the princess who is out being a bad girl.

As Aladdin and Jasmine are about to kiss (will you guys get tired if i rant every time a couple in these movies fall in love after ten minutes?), the royal guards jump in and arrest Aladdin.

In prison, Jafar in a *very* epic disguise as a hobo gandalf hunchback hobbit (HGHH… sounds like the noise you make when you take a dump) strikes up a conversation with the locked up Aladdin and tells him that if he wanders into a ginormous tiger head in the desert and picks up some silverware, he could get the princess!

Alright not quite what he said, but meh, close enough?

Now, there are *alot* of things i find weird… i know Jafar is hunched up, but what the hell did he do with his height!? he’s like 6’5 and here he is shorter than aladdin. And look at those toothpick legs, how would that support Jafars stature?

You can always add weight to a disguise, but you cant remove any! Its the same rule with salt in cooking!

I just have to remind people of what he looks like in this disguise, its amazing.

After surviving a snog-attack, HGHH shows Aladdin a secret doorway through the prison (who built this crap?) and leads him to the desert where he as well faces Tony the tiger on his new found smurf Death Metal career.

Jafar tellas Aladdin with a very grim voice and lightning behind him (which is always a good sign of things to come in the book of ignorant heroes) that he will GET HIS REWAAAARD after he gives him the lamp.

Aladdin goes ” OK =D” and walks off into the tiger.

When Aladdin comes back up from the tiger with lamp in hand, Jafar takes it and raises it in the air triumphant, gets bitten by the flea infested monkey and gets robbed of the lamp in one swipe. You know how this could have been avoided?

He could have just taken the lamp, and just stomped Aladdins chest. Instead he had to cut him with a knife before sending him down a pit most likely over a mile deep, because what if he lands and only breaks his back? I know he’ll be swallowed by the Death Metal cereal tiger, but thats not relevant.

So thats twice Jafar heads out into the desert without returning with a lamp. Note that he takes off his wig and beard, revealing that it actually is Jafar, and that he wasnt transformed, further proving that the disguise is just… illogical.

Without the lamp, the cranky duo realizes that when Jasmine becomes Queen, she’ll kill them both off. And Iago gets the brilliant idea that Jafar could marry the princess and become Sultan himself. Whats to worry about? He’s got the looks.

Actually he doesn’t, but he fakes a scroll that says a princess must marry the roya Vizier if no prince is found within a certain date. But as he is trying to hypnotize the Sultan, he gets interrupted by the gay prince parade.

Skipping ahead through all the Aladdin/Jasmine love crap (Al-ass-mine love crap), Jafar takes Aladdin and throws him down into the river, surely this time he’ll have gotten rid of him? Nope.

Back at the palace, Jafar hypnotizes the Sultan (does he have a frigging name?) into telling Jasmine that she is to be wed to Grand Master curly beard point nose face.

“You are speechless i see… a fine quality in a wife”

Was that a Persian racist joke or did Jafar just happen to have that opinion? Lets not delve into that further.

Aladdin comes back, soaking wet and surprises everyone, and Iago goes “HOW IN THE HE… *Parrot noise*” which is rather priceless, why act like you’re a normal parrot when you’re about to get beheaded for manipulation and backstabbing anyway?

Jafar has to reestablish his hypnotism control over the Sultan during the conversation and *Very* unsubtle, shoves the suspicious cobra staff with red glowing eyes right into the Sultans face which causes him to ramble.

Aladdin who apparently, does have an intelligence of someone who is older than 5, realizes that the staff is whats causing it (no shet) and smashes it into the ground.

Aaaaand finally the Sultan gets that Jafar is up to no good and wants him arrested, so the guards grab him, but Jafar goes batman on their asses and throws a smoke grenade. That gives both him and Iago time to head up to their tower to flee, where Iago decides its time to pack their bags and GTFO.

And i have to show you what Iago throws into his suitcase that he picks up from his personal bird cage.

Jafar goes nuts and laughs like a maniac because he realizes that the Prince Jasmine is marrying is actually Aladdin and orders Iago to steal the lamp, which he does by pretending to be a garden flamingo.

During the ceremony where Agrabah meets Jasmines prince, Jafar rubs one out… sorry i just couldnt resist. Rubs the lamp and orders Genie to turn him into the Sultan.

Here is what puzzles me, did his wish only take away the Sultans clothes? Yeah sure, it re-tailored the clothes since its basically going from apple shaped to cinnamon stick. But what about the part where Genie lifts up the palace and puts it onto the cliff, was that part of the deal? or did he give Jafar a freebie just to make things even?

And a simple “I will not bow before you” prompts Jafar to use a second wish right away (is he aware that they are none refundable and limited to three?) to turn him into a powerful sorcerer. Couldn’t he have done that first and conjured a spell that made him sultan?

After playing golf with Aladdin (and one of the towers i might add, why cant he kill this guy off!?), he decides to spend some time redecorating the palace, and i have to be honest, i love his work.

Gigantic piles of gold everywhere, a huuuuge cobra throne and the Sultan dressed as a jester (wrong culture much?) force fed crackers.

Oh and Jasmine is really hot here, you know for someone who is painted.

He’s got her in chains, but he still cant get Jasmine to want him.

Um… he’s a horrible horrible all mighty world dominating man, has no respect for human life and thinks women being quiet is a good trait in a wife… and he needs CONSENT?

Whats wrong with him?

Either way, he tries to waste his final wish on making Jasmine fall in love with him but he doesn’t understand that its not in Genies power to make that wish come true. But Aladdin shows up which causes Jasmine to go into actress mode, and Jafar buys it all: hook, line and “the gap between your teeth is so sexy”.

Its just a shame that Aladdin is so slow in grabbing the lamp that Jafar spots Aladdin in Jasmines crown and starts to get pissed off.

To sum up what happens: Jafar gets taunted and turns into a huge snake (which is really scary), squeezes the shet out of Aladdin… who then tells Jafar that he is weaker in power than Genie, prompting him to use his final wish to turn him into a Genie himself.

When Genie transforms Jafar into a red bald Dave Navarro, Aladdin reminds him of the price of becoming a Genie, you lose your freedom and have to live in silverware.

I find it really odd that he grabs Iago and makes him live in the lamp with him, does that make him a aprt of the genie?

Jafar shows up in genie form in the direct to VHS (Thats what it was back then) sequel that came a few years later, i dont remember much of that movie, but i think it was one of the few good direct to VHS sequels disney made, even though that doesn’t say alot seeing as how they all were really shitty.

Its also worth noting that Jafar is probably the Villain that makes the most physical appearance and power changes in all of the disney movies, and he still doesn’t win the movie. And in my opinion, Jafar gets a higher villain grade because of his sidekick.

I absolutely love Iago’s cynical, sarcastic remarks even though he is the archetype sidekick that we’ve seen before.

Jafar is interesting because he is a *very* dark character, but at the same time goofy enough to make the audience laugh, if only for his ugly facial expressions.

I’ll end this post with two pictures, one that I’ve made and another that one of my devoted readers (yes i’m entitled to say that now).

Obviously i cant give away which one i did and which one Kathleen did, but i’ll give you a hint: Mine is the amazing one.

I wonder if Jafar is well hung.

Tags: Animation., Aristocats, Disney, Grimhilde, Jafar, Madame Medusa, Maleficent, Movies, Queen, Random, Scar, Snow White, Sorceress, The fucking siamese cats, The Little Mermaid, Triton, Ursula, Villain, Witch

No 4. Ursula

Octopus…es…i? Octopi? OCTOPUSSIES!?

Whatever the spelling, we all agree they are kind of scary don’t we?

Depending on when you were born and when you were watching Disney movies, we all found the villains scary on different levels. Most people would name Ursula as their number one villain just because of her voice and her looks, and i’ll definitely admit that her appearance and way of moving about is very creepy.

Ursula is an underwater witch apparently, which to me is a rather strange thought. And something that sort of freaks me out, if her upper body is part human.. what do other octo(insertplural) look like? Just as both Goofy and Pluto is the same animal (i’ll get to that in a later post, believe me).

None of the animals look strange, the whales dont have giant hats and arms, so why does an octopus?

Oh and her appearance is based on a famous drag queen, do i have to elaborate?

Whatever.

She claims to have once lived in the palace but got banished after trying to take over the throne from Triton, maybe its because she had too many “legs” ? And her plan is to use Ariel to get another shot at taking over, and she orders her moray eels to keep track of her. I’d really want to have moray eels as pets, its probably the scariest animal in the sea aside from lampreys.

As far as im aware, she needs Tritons trident (say that quickly) to succeed, and apparently that’s difficult to achieve. But i’ve noticed that she watches Ariel in this bubble a few times, how does he project that? and why cant she aim that magical TV bubble at the trident?

Just set up an Ursula bubble webcam in Tritons room and when he’s sleeping, just send in the eels to grab the trident?

Ursula later on spots that Ariel is in love with a human (Yes, yet another main character who falls in love after ten seconds and absolutely no eye contact) prince, why does it always have to be a prince? I mean i get it when its the medieval settings, but she found this twat on a boat… what are the odds?

After Triton fucks up Ariels “Human fetish stash” (again, say that quickly), the moray eels sneak in and giver Ariel a speech about Ursula. And the voice actors are speaking through a fan… which is a rather cheap effect, but it sounds awesome.

She gets talked into seeing Ursula since apparently she has great powers that can help her be with her prince, and for the record i love her modified mermaid/man seaweed carpeting that she has in her sunken spinosaurus lair.

Has Ariel never seen a Disney movie? Whenever someone who looks scary, sings a song in a dark tone about them being misunderstood, not evil…

WHAT USUALLY HAPPENS!?

One thing worth mentioning in this song, is that she actually admits that she’s turned merfolk into these seaweed type creatures when they couldn’t pay. She’s actually being honest!

Buuuut then she jiggles her tits in front of the camera and i just want to hide under a pillow. What were they thinking?

Afterwards, she tells Ariel the deal: she gets to be a human for 3 days, and she needs the prince to fall in love with her and kiss her within those days or she’ll return back to normal and be in Ursulas control. Again she’s honest about the deal, and that’s rarely seen in Disney villains, she actually tells her of the catch. (Yes yes, she cheats later but have a little understanding).

She even tells her that she has to pay with her voice, and here is where im actually shocked, she convinces Ariel to not underestimate her “Body Language” and then shakes her behind.

Did Disney just make a sex reference? (other than the hidden penis on the original Little Mermaid VHS cover, google it if you haven’t heard about it)

Ursula brings out the contract and she adds “Floatsam, Jetsam, now i’ve got her” into the lyrics, which would be something to perhaps notice? like when you’re about to sign a contract with a witch? You stupid ass mermaid?

Oh and, while i saw this scene, my mind started wandering, and i saw faces i compared Ursula to.

I know I’ve been thinking about this too much

Now if you can stop thinking about the disgusting physical relationship between a semi octopus and Rodney Dangerfield, id like to get back on track.

Ariel signs the paper that says her soul belongs to Ursula should she fail after her 3 days is up, again i find it very interesting that this villain uses contracts and bet she even pays taxes.

She is prompted to sing during the creation of the spell (all the while Ursula looks absolutely homicidal, but it doesnt matter since Ariel already signed the contract, too late to notice she’s a villain and honest tax payer) and while she’s singing, green smokey hands reach in and grabs her voice by its..uh.. ankles…

And Ursula puts her voice into a seashell necklace, good to have you know?

Alright, i admit that Ursula isn’t as nice as i claim, she forgets to mention to Ariel that she wont be able to breathe, and that the transformation happens like.. half a mile from the surface.

She also forgets to mention that she will be nude.

Now i took the liberty of actually screenshotting something that i haven’t ever thought about before, and this is some crucial Disney daredevil animation.

Behold a naked protagonist.

Kind of disturbing isn’t it? its very daring though, kind of impressed they went this far.

Oh and all this happens within like, 2 seconds so im probably pausing this video way more than i creepingly should.

After this, the movie focuses entirely on human Ariel trying to get some male loving, so we’ll skip ahead to the point where they almost kiss and get thrown off a boat because the moray eels are *Freaking* strong.

As if moray eels weren’t scary enough, these two can knock over a boat, what are they? Great Whites?

Now i have to give up on my moral speech about Ursula being a fair villain, since she’s actively trying to prevent the kiss from happening. Couldn’t they just kiss on land? I’d love to see the moray eels hide in a rubber boot each, jump around like in Super Mario Bros 3 trying to prevent them from sucking face.

Thats a direct to DVD sequel i’d actually look forward to seeing, “Floatsam & Jetsam, your princess is in another castle”.

Ursula is terrified that they’ll kiss before sundown, so she takes matters “into her own tentacles” (Why the pun, when she actually HAS hands!?). She transforms into a human and hops up on land, using Ariel’s voice to lure the prince.

Erik (Danielsson, Watain) is upset that he’s still in love with the mermaid with that special voice (the one who stays in his home but he’s too stupid to notice), so he cant fall for Ariel (who again, happens to be that mermaid).

He stands on his castle and looks out, and suddenly hears that voice again, which happens to be Ursula using it. Just randomly walking on the beach at night, in a storm.

Not only that, she cheats and uses some kind of.. voice… smell… spell… that reaches into his eyes?

The next morning, the idiot prince is marrying the random woman who DOESN’T EVEN HAVE THE SAME HAIR COLOUR as the one he fell in love with. And you know what? you’re a fucking moron for just going on someones vocal talents rather than personality (alright the girl is mute, but come on, give her a break).

AND DO YOU KNOW HOW RARE REAL RED HAIRED WOMEN ARE!? So rare that they’re actually mermaids.

Sorry, i lost my temper because someone drew something on a piece of paper and shoved it in my face with a soundtrack to it.

Did i mention… the woman he’s marrying instead.. isn’t speaking either… what the actual fuck? She sings/talks to herself in her room on the wedding ship, and apparently has this reverse vampire mirror thing going on, since the mirror reveals she is actually hideous.

I absolutely love when the bird tries to tell Sebastian and Ariel about Ursula, and smashes the crab’s face in while doing it.

Ariel decides to take matters into her own hands, by jumping into the water and almost drown, well done sport.

The water is also chocolate/poop/red wine coloured by now, i assume its meant to depict a sunset glow, but it just looks weird.

Scuttle and his team of birds attack the wedding (with Jet plane sound effects i must add) and ride under Ursulas skirt, and since he looks terrified when he comes out of there, i’ma assume we all know where she hides her tentacles in the disguise. And i just lose it when Scuttle jumps up, and just scream in Ursulas face, amazing move.

Eventually, the necklace gets broken and Ariel regains her voice.

And once again, its time to do face comparisons.

Self explanatory isn’t it?

Poor Ursula, not only is she losing the battle for the prince, she has to look like a sleazetwat.

Actually, she doesn’t lose it since they lean in so freakishly slowly for the kiss and Ariel turns into a water flapper again and ursula takes her downstairs. Downstairs as in, into the water again, whats wrong with you?

There, Triton meets them both and sacrifices himself for Ariels freedom, not stopping to think about what happens to his crown and trident once he transforms. Eric is an idiot and follows them into the water and throws one harpoon, one, at Ursula and gives her a scratch.

She gets pissed off and aims her trident at Eric, gets pushed by Ariel and completely destroys her eels. “My little poopsies” (what the fuck?)

Now, here is something interesting.

Enraged, Ursula turns into…

Lets just say if Rodney Dangerfield, Gary Busey and Oprah Winfrey were made into a new Statue of Liberty, this would be it.

Think about that for a second.

And how come Triton could never become that huge?

In another lame “The super villain dies in the most simple and stupid way ever moment”, Eric slams a huge boat (that Ursula clearly should have spotted) into her and turns her into exploding sushi.

And that’s the end of Ursula so whats the point in continuing to write about this movie? its over now anyway.

Although i’d like to point out that when its Tritons turn to transform Ariel into a human, he has the decency (and anti incestness) to slap a dress on her that sparkles more than a twilight fan in heat.

Oh and the end scene where the boat sails off, it looks like there’s a bunch of nudists waving off a boat, lovely.

So, why do we like Ursula?

Because she’s evil, yes.

Because she sounds evil? definitely

But we all know its the tentacles. (How many are they again Kathleen? ten? =D )

Although after reading this, don’t you agree that the sexual innuendo and the breast juggling is by far her worst trait?

I’d also like to share this amazing thing i made in paint in 20 seconds, i accept donations towards my art school fund.

Thanks for reading, stay tuned.

Tags: Animation., Cruella De Vil, Disney, Hades, Jafar, Madame Medusa, Maleficent, Scar, The fucking siamese cats, The Little Mermaid, Triton, Ursula, Villain

The (In)Human Centipede Part 2 (Aka Full Sequence)

Torture Porn

Have you heard the phrase before? Perhaps in relation to recent graphic horror/slasher movies of the 2005- present day era?

A Journalist used the phrase to describe Eli Roth’s “Hostel” from 2005, and has since been applied to the SAW franchise and similar movies trying to cash in on it. Now, in all fairness, i totally disagree with that stamp which has such a negative ring to it.

Those movies were groundbreaking, not only for the violence, but for a new type of terror that we had not seen on the silver screen with this much detail: the fear of being mutilated alive.

Sure, it sounds cheap, but is it not why those movies were effective? because we imagine ourselves being trapped, not being able to stop the guy with the chainsaw who is about to play Jenga with your limbs.

Now, fast forward a little to 2010: “The Human Centipede” is released.

A movie about a crazy surgeon who stitches three people, ass to mouth to put it bluntly, together. I’ll admit, when i first heard of it, i was intrigued as most people were. Then i saw it and realized it didn’t quite live up to what it threatens to show the audience.

Again, the appeal here is that its something absolutely horrible that happens while you’re still awake, and obviously having to swallow the person in front of you’s feces doesn’t sound enjoyable. But again, i still wouldn’t call it torture porn.

How do you actually define “Torture Porn”?

Lets refer to half of the term. A pornographic film is about sexual acts, and its the absolute main focus, any story present is only to tie the sex acts together.

I obviously read all this on wikipedia since i wouldn’t watch one myself, im going to heaven you know. *cough*

And if you look at the term Torture Porn and imagine that the sex acts are replaced with torture scenes and has absolutely nothing resembling a story other than to tie the killings together, then yes the term makes sense.

But i still wouldn’t say any of the movies that have been given that stamp deserves it…

Until…

The Human Centipede Part 2 (Full Sequence)

*******************************************’

SPOILERS WILL BE MENTIONED

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

**************************************

GRAPHIC EXPLANATIONS OF VIOLENT AND DISGUSTING SCENES

******************************************

Now, the reason for going with plot spoilers in this review is because :

1. there barely is a plot to spoil

2. the absolutely mindblowingly stupid moments have to be mentioned.

3. so you seriously don’t need to see it yourself, other than to check out some of the more stupid scenes.

And the warning about the graphic explanations may sound like im going over the top, but i have a couple of friends with a great imagination, and i don’t want them feeling ill reading anything without a warning first. Or incase you’re about to eat dinner.

This review will assume that you’ve either seen the first movie, or atleast received a “must know” run down from a friend who’s seen it.

Oh and before i begin, i have to explain that a few times during this text you’ll run into this abbreviation: IDNMTU which stands for “I DID NOT MAKE THIS UP”.

The movie, released just one year after the first one (as if you didnt think it was low budget as it was, its also rushed) is about a fat short man who looks like a frog midget.

That is, the child conceived from an obese midget and a frog.

This man lives with his mum and works as a security guard at a garage, keeping track of the people parking there. He isnt very good at his job though because all he does every day at work is watch The Human Centipede.

IDNMTU

The movie, is about a man, watching the first part of the series that you are watching. Effectively he’s watching himself being watched as he’s watching the movie that… oh fuck it.

The Frodget (frog-midget) aperantly has a fetish for… lets count these things together shall we?

People eating poop, people pooping on others, people stuck together, and sandpaper.

Well no, not sand paper, he just uses it wrapped around his penis when he masturbates to a Human Centipede scene.

IDNMTU

The movie explains that our Frodget was sexually abused by his father and that his mother blames him for his fathers apparent prison sentence, all in one scene with a perverted psychiatrist i might add.

So, now that we’ve established our main antagonist/twat, lets get on with the movie.

Within 4 minutes, he attacks two people in his garage and hits them both extremely hard with a crowbar (and yes, he does that to all his abducted victims, and none of them have that many injuries afterwards).

He does this to 10 other people in various ways, but its basically the same stupid scene over and over again, and its all happening in the garage. And by the way, Frodget is watching people on huge security monitors as they park their cars… would’nt anyone else be able to see that the garage security is smashing the heads off of clients?

Soon after the first abductions, we see him follow a man into a huge abandoned warehouse, and the man tells frodget that he would like him to pay the rent for the warehouse in cash, which prompts frodget to look up at the owner with a perverted face which causes the scene to cut to the man also knocked down and given a spot in the centipede.

I know i’m jumping alot in my writing, but that’s only because the movie is just as bad and doesn’t give you a reason to follow along properly.

By now, the first 3-4 people are wriggling around in this warehouse just screaming. But the time it takes for him to get the other victims isn’t clear, so there is no telling how long they actually lie there without food or water and actually survive.

Oh and, he’s phoned the three actors who played in the first Human Centipede, pretending to be an agent for Quentin Tarantino.

Lets stop this for a second.

Not only is he masturbating to the movie, he’s now invited the three actors from the movie, to be in his experiment, posing as an agent for a well known movie director. How the hell did the agents of these actors not check this man’s credibility up!? Because we’re told through phone messages that they’re actually responding to him.

And right about now, i should mention that The Human Centipede part 2, is shot only in black and white.

Why?

I’ve no idea… but my theory is to make the poop and the blood, less graphic… which means they pussied out even though they said the sequel would be much worse.

Anyway, after he’s almost assembled all his people (including a very pregnant woman), he starts working on preparations for the centipede. But not before picking up one of the actresses from the first film, that actually agreed to meet this pretend Quentin Tarantino agent. So yes, the actress playing an actress playing the actress in the movie in the movie of the movie cake pies fudge random words that wont matter, is now in Frodgets experiment.

He knocks her out as soon as they reach the warehouse and begins preparing his victims. To his shock, he cant find any life signs from the very pregnant woman, he cries a bit then drags her off to the side to hide her under a big hunk of plastic wrapping.

Here comes a few of the scenes that was actually hard to watch, it included cutting up the kneecaps, and smashing out teeth with a hammer. The noises made during the teeth pulling was very effective at making me cringe, i’ll give it that.

Note that the maniac in the first film was actually a surgeon, he was good at his job.

This guy uses a fucking stapler to stitch the faces and the buttocks together… and thats just not possible. You have to see the scene to belive how stupid the stitching is.

Eventually his Centipede is actually fully functional, walking around him and he’s very happy. He now realizes that he has to feed the centipede, so he puts a bowl of dog food infront of the lead part (which is of course the aforementioned actress, since she’s too pretty to eat feces <3). She smashes the bowl away and Frodget comes up with a new plan.

He shoves a giant hose attached to a funnel, down her throat and makes her digest the dog food that way. And in another illogical part of this scene is the fact that she gags all the while he’s shoving the hose down her throat, but as he pours the dog food into the funnel, she gags even more.

How could she possibly feel anything pass through that hose if its already down her throat? Mind boggling.

Frodget grows impatient and decides to inject every member of the centipede, with a laxative. And here is where the fun starts.

Nothing happens… nothing happens… its silent…

Then an extremely loud fart noise…

IDNMTU

Yes, the signal of the feces explosion extravaganza is a loud fart noise, and then it continues from there into a symphonic orchestra of farts and splashes.

The fart noises are just so overwhelming that it becomes extremely silly, and not silly in a funny way. Then we actually see poop shoot out of peoples behinds, or like, squirt to the side.

But my only question is, if the poop doesnt go directly into the other parts mouth, whats the whole point? If theres actually enough space between the mouth and the anus to 1. create fart noises 2. make poo splash anywhere but inside the mouth, isnt the whole experiment failed?

I’ll admit that this scene isn’t for the squeamish, but i had no problem with it, and i cant even watch 2 girls 1 cup.

Frodget enjoys his little coprophagian show and decides to go to the end of the centipede and rape her, while he does this, we see that the pregnant woman under the plastic isnt actually dead.

Suddenly, she jumps up, screams and starts waddling off… with blood shooting in bursts out from between her legs. Ofcourse she has to be in labour!?

IDNMTU

She runs way past Frodget, leaves the building, naked, jumps into a car and screams. Frodget catches up with her and tries to get into the car himself, but he’s too stupid to break the windows.

She reaches for the keys and tries to start the car, but since this is a horror movie (meh), it wont start yet. Frodget is still circling the car, with no results.

Then arguably the funniest scene in the entire movie, and one of the few ones that made this not a total waste of time. The woman gives birth, and her face… is…

They seriously must have put an add out similar to this, “Wanted: woman with the biggest mouth on the planet to “star” in a horror movie where you will give birth in a car”

I CAN SWALLOW A BASKETBALL!

And then she gives birth to a beautiful healthy baby, that falls onto the car floor. She still tries to get the car started, and then suddenly it jump starts!

Our heroine finally gets a break!

She shoves her foot down on the pedal and the car speeds away into safety for her and her… wait…

Ah crap i forgot to mention the part where the newborn gets squished into a goopy mess because she doesn’t care that it flew under the gas pedal.

IDNMTU

She stomps on her baby because its in the way of the gas pedal… Should i, can i even elaborate on this?

Nope, but i don’t need to either, it speaks for itself.

By this time, the centipede has actually split itself in half because one of the middle guys manages to break free and are now roaming around. Frodget sees this and starts whining (he whines *alot* in this movie) and shooting the centipede parts one by one. And after he runs out of bullets, he starts cutting their heads off.

As he’s about to cut the last person still alive, the head of the centipede, our actress. He lets his guard down and gets smashed in the nuts, which causes him to fall onto his stomach.

What does she do? She shoves the same hose and funnel that he used on her, into his bum, and puts his pet centipede in there.

A creepy itchy thought, yes, but not logical. I don’t think the centipede would survive for very long in there. He walks around whining, with scratching and rattle snake like sounds coming from his bum, stabs the last survivor and walks off screen.

Then it cuts back to where he is sitting infront of his laptop, watching the Human Centipede… and… you mother fucker…

The movie pulls a 4th grade story telling asswipe tactic on you.

“aaaaand then it was all a dream ;D”

And then the credits roll.

Why this movie is the first torture porn flick in my opinion should be pretty obvious, the plot is so weak that a porn movie actually COULD beat it in terms of depth.

There is just so much about this that screams “This controversy is only for shock value, and thats how this will make money”, and that just doesnt work for me. The scene with the baby and the sandpaper wanking are great examples. There was *no* need for her to slam her foot into that newborn, they just added it to make it more “notorious”, and that’s where it doesn’t work for me.

I recommend that if you’re interested, just watch the scenes that are absolutely the only reason to see this mess and then stay away from it.

Every good review (which this isn’t whatsoever) ends with something witty, but this isn’t a review as much as it is just a plot summarization and break down.

And to say that its a shitty movie (pun or no pun) is an understatement in its purest form, and it is absolutely the one movie that deserves the torture porn stamp the most.

But i suppose if you’re into coprophagia, and people being tortured… you got yourself the wank of a lifetime mate.

Stay tuned for the other Disney Villains and less of people eating shit.

Tags: Eli Roth, Full sequence, Horror, Hostel, Quentin Tarantino, Saw, The Human Centipede, Tom Six, Torture

No 5: Queen Grimhilde (The Wicked Stepmother)

I’ve been rather lazy, but here is the first Villain-post!

Queen Grimhilde, stepmother of Snow White.

Now, i wasn’t going to include her because she doesn’t quite have a special place in my villain heart.

But then i remembered something traumatizing from my past, so she’s back in.

Basically, Queen Grimhilde is the stepmother of Snow White and because miss Snow (not the adult film actress) is much prettier than the Queen (barely) she orders her to do slave-ish work. Oh and i just have to say that the first scene where Snow White is singing to a well, is horrifying.

She cant sing, and when the well echoes things back up at her, all i imagine is this drunk homeless hag sitting in this well repeating stuff. Aaand then ofcourse a perverted young man sneaks up behind her and SCREAMS in her ear, romantic stuff.

Anyway, the Villain.

The mirror tells the Queen that Snow White is prettier and after witnessing this perverted prince sing songs to her, the MINF (Mom I’d Not Fuck) orders a huntsman (wut?) to take SW (henceforth known by this abbreviation) into the forest and kill her.

He also has to put her heart in a box, because dissecting the princess is an important part of the puzzle. She specifically says “To make sure you do not fail, bring me back her heart in this box”

Can she actually tell that the heart is from Snow White?

Another thing i do not understand, there’s not a single person in this frigging kingdom… who would even notice if she went out the front door and eviscerated the poor girl and just went back upstairs for some turkey leg?

And certainly, if Snow White is the only one standing between the Queen and total dominance in the beauty field, then really… are the standards that high in this empty kingdom?

She eventually decides to take care of SW herself (again, further proof that theres not a single twat in this kingdom since she has to do it herself and no one would notice her absence) by transforming into an old hag with the plan of giving SW a poisoned apple.

Lets think about this for a second…

Would you let this woman feed you?

If yes: stop reading and seek therapy.

If you’re still reading, seek therapy anyway because this blog is just not healthy for anyone ever, especially not crab cakes.

Even more lacking on the logical department is the fact that she decides to dress up to conceal her true identity but has to trick her into eating an apple. Cant she just walk into the forest as the old hag, shoot Snow White’s face off with a rocket launcher then go back home and transform back? Who would even know?

I just don’t get it.

And the first time the hag and Snow white actually look at eachother… i just bursted out laughing. The Queen is standing by the window with this face when SW spots her:

Or perhaps she’s saying “Have you seen my other shoe, dear O.o ;D”

Yes, her face here needs a smiley that is the combination of O.o and ;D.

First, her attempt at giving SW the apple fails because she gets attacked by a couple of birds. Yes, birds.

Her second attempt actually works since Snow White gets tricked into believing that the apple will make all her wishes come true, and then she sounds like she’s orgasming off screen after chewing on the apple, don’t ask me why.

Because of the sweet time she took to get SW to kill herself, all the dwarves are back just in time to chase down the Queen. (A knife to the throat would have, once again, saved her so much time and effort since the effect is the same)

Did you know Queen Grimhilde is the first stereotype for the blonde girl in slasher movies? the stupid moron runs up a cliff with no way back down and gets struck by lightning, all within SIX minutes since she first met Snow White.

And her death apple doesn’t even work properly because a kiss makes it all go away.

The power of molesting unconcious women should never be underestimated according to Disney.

So why did i add Queen Grimhilde to my list since she evidently is a terrible terrible villain?

Well let me tell you a story.

When i was about four… me, my mum and my sis went to Lanzarote on holiday. And the hotel actually had a play where they did an interpretation of Snow white, and i thought it was rather scary… until the Queen came out.

Literarly came out, it was a guy playing her. And he was tall and absolutely batshit insanely frightening.

Obviously, my mum had to make it worse and actually ask him to come take a picture with us, and that moment has forever haunted my dreams. The picture proof is actually somewhere in my grandmas photo album and if i one day can learn how to scan stuff, i’ll definitely post the picture here.

So to sum up.

IT WAS A DRAG QUEEN QUEEN.

Fluffy out, stay tuned for Villain number 4.

Tags: Animation., Disney, Grimhilde, Jafar, Maleficent, Movies, Queen, Random, Scar, Snow White, Sorceress, Villain, Witch

Disney Villains, The Real Animated Stars.

I’ve always been a Disney fan.

As a child remembering lines that i didn’t even understand the meaning of until much later, as an adult picking up jokes that weren’t meant for kids to begin with. The heroes are the ones we are meant to root for, but who do we really want to watch? Who are we always waiting for to make a move so the movie can turn into overdrive?

The Villains, always.

If it weren’t for the Villains, nothing would ever work. When a movie has a bad villain, it always falls flat. Some Disney flicks don’t even have one (Come on, aunt Sarah in Lady and the Tramp? I’d have to stretch as far as to call “the rat” a Villain there)

So soon, i’ll be listing my top 5 Villains (I have to revisit the movies before i write each post since i need a bit of a memory refreshing) and i’ll try to bring up stuff that not many people think about, its hard to do a list that pretty much is available anywhere on the net. I’ll just have to throw an Amuzzled spin on it.

But before any of that, i have to rant.

From the moment i started reading til i was like… 9, i thought the company was called Disnep. Which in turn also made me think that P was pronunced like Y, no wonder school was such a betch on me.

Seriously, someone else must have had this issue. Edit: Its come to my attention from Pleu, that the D looks like a reverse G. But in a way i find the D more logical than the P/Y. This is bordering on Algebra.

Suggestions towards the villain list are very welcome, even though I’ve pretty much decided, it doesn’t hurt to try and persuade me.

Anyways, listing shall be done very soon, stay out of tune.

Tags: Animation., Disney, Grimhilde, Jafar, Maleficent, Movies, Queen, Random, Scar, Snow White, Sorceress, Villain, Witch

Trololololololo!

Ladies and gentlemen, the experiment has begun!

(fekk, i just lost the game, was going to write “the game has begun” but i didnt want you all to lose the game, so i took the hit for you, im that nice, am i using too many commas?)

The most amount of votes went to Trolololo, so that song is now being played for 10 hours straight, and i started at 13:40 so im about 2 minutes in.

So far it aint so bad.

Guessing i have about 700 minutes+ left but meh, details.

I’ll be updating once in awhile, when i feel i have something relevant to add to the progress of this thing.

First off is a Swedish note: Är det någon som märkt att Trolololo killen är sjukt jävla lik “Tommy” från Pippi filmerna? Samma frilla och läskiga smile. Värt att kolla upp.

This is going to be painful isn’t it.

15:40 Two hours have now passed, and so far its been pretty painless. The only problem is that when i started to get issues with my blog that i couldn’t figure out, the music just added two times worth of frustration to it, it got intense. Its as if this man was laughing at my internet technical failures.

16:40 Needed to pee, and i dont have an mp3 player that works right now so i have to listen through my laptop. Took the laptop to a chair outside the bathroom, and i couldnt quite reach the loo. Noticed there were several knots on the chord to the headphones, so i tried to fix them one by one to get that tiny tiny distance i needed to the toilet. Then when i finally got them all undone…

“I can move the fucking chair >.<”

18:40 Halfway there (fkin hell i thought i was done)

Its actually starting to get annoying now, i want to listen to something else, anything else. Im playing Plants Vs Zombies at the same time, and the soundtrack.. sort of fits, but its still horrible.

Im actually imagining songs in my head, sort of like when you’re imagining a taste when you’re hungry.

And i’ve been singing along occasionally for 4 hours, sometimes i have to slap myself.

21:40 Trololololo *NO!*

Two hours left, i’m starting to like this song!

I’ve also gotten worse at telling lies.

I’m seriously listening to Linkin Park once this is over, thats how annoying this is. (If you don’t know me, that may not sound very drastic, but trust me it is) . The interesting part is that if i think about it, it doesnt bother me much, but i recon that once the song stops, thats when i’ll go into respiratory failure or some other weird seizure thing.

Like it doesn’t give full effect until after the spell is broken? We’ll see how it plays out. Thankfully its over soon.

The worst part? i probably picked the easiest song…

22:40

23:40 FINISHED!

Oh sweet silence, here you are.

Mum called me when i had like 8 minutes left, no one contacts me under this entire thing, until i had 8 minutes left. That was just ironic. But i had one hear in the headphone, so i was good.

Honestly, i think this thing is like a poison that slowly creeps inside your veins, because now that its over, i still hear it.

I’ll numb it out with some Metal later, but first imma enjoy this silence, sweet sweet silence.

In conclusion: this project is like… it takes up your entire day because you dont want to do anything where you have to focus, nor can you watch anything that requires sound, and you cant have people over. And this wasn’t even the worst song, its most likely the hands down easiest one.

The day when i have to do “Video Games” is the day where music will die for me, and my ears.

Im off to listen to Linkin Park and see if its any good now that i’ve had 10 hours of nonstop russian rambling.

Maybe some Aqua.

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Amuzzled

No.1 Maleficent

Dont look, or you might find.

No 2. Scar /Lion King Dissection

SCAR

It always begins with a song

WATAIN – Black Metal Magic.

A band that goes a little further.

Spawned in 1998

5:07

Random Facts

WATAIN’s 13th year anniversary show, Stockholm 4th of November.

MALIGN

The Devil’s Blood

Check out 4:20

No 3. Jafar

No 4. Ursula

I know I’ve been thinking about this too much

The (In)Human Centipede Part 2 (Aka Full Sequence)

Torture Porn

I CAN SWALLOW A BASKETBALL!

No 5: Queen Grimhilde (The Wicked Stepmother)

Disney Villains, The Real Animated Stars.

Trololololololo!

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